This is my front page. All comments here are screened; if you don't have my email address, you can drop me a line here. If I know your email address, I'll reply by email -- if not, I'll reply to your comment, and then rescreen both your comment and my reply.
It's also got every tag I have -- this is because my current LJ style doesn't include a tag index. (At least half of my participation on LJ is on my Treo. I chose this style because it loads quickly and it's still readable on a small screen.)
I'd tell you more about myself, but that's what my profile -- and the rest of my journal -- are for.
I haven't been this delighted by quotes taken out of context since Bill O'Reilly said "I want to go to a gay bathhouse!" (Sadly, I've never heard this one for myself. Too bad, that -- I know a couple of DJs who'd have a lot of fun with it.)
A while back, I mentioned that there was going to be a porno which included look-alikes for Sarah Palin, Hillary Clinton (likely played by Nina Hartley), and Condi Rice. Well, here's the script.
It's terrible. It's awesome. It's terribly awesome. It's crack-tastic. It's freakin' hilarious. Bill Orally O'Reilly's lines (and temper tantrums) are especially hysterical, but really, the rest of the script is plain ol' badfic gold. And I'm not saying that just because I'm slightly drunk, but I'm sure that helps.
This porno is now on my list of pornos that I'll claim I'd buy in a heartbeat, but I'll just never get around to it. (This list includes Run Mary Run -- also a political spoof -- as well as Cinderella and Alice in Wonderland. What can I say, I'm warped. If I ever buy any porn at all, it will no doubt reflect that I'm warped.)
I've had an internet crush on Sarah and Candy of Smart Bitches who Love Trashy Books for quite some time now, which is why I'm now stealing stuff I found on their website. First up, we have this ad for a pornographic network. Technically worksafe, but a little risque, with myriad bad entendres and visual puns. (It starts with a man choking his chicken strangling poultry, and degenerates from there.) Funniest thing I've seen all week!
Then, there's this quiz on American History... and hey, my grasp on American History is better than I thought! Either that, or the questions were really easy. (This link is safe for work, as long as your American History is terrible. If you're at all good at the subject, it becomes unsafe for work. It has full-frontal nudity if you don't get any questions wrong.)
It has to be said: death metal can make anything funny. Well, death metal with a touch of King Diamond, which is funny for most of the same reasons. The first minute of this video is kinda slow, but the next two minutes make up for it.
And now, if you'll excuse me, I have some recording to do to prove it.
I read a hilarious bit of Jesus/Muhammad slash over at Godawful Fan Fiction, and I was inspired. Fortunately, this doesn't happen too often, lest I find myself lightning-bolted. For the benefit of the Christians on my f-list, I've hidden it behind a cut. As with most of my slash bunnies, I've aimed for "comically bad."
Certains musicians is just nöt metals. And yet, they tries so hards! And other peoples thinks that if you just gives them guitarz, thats they will become metals. And then, they will gets löts and löts of groupies, und be totally prom-squiminous like me. Well, I am heres to tell you that this is nots so.
For examples: Ricky Martins? Not metals. Besides, I don't think he likes the groupies. I sees him starings at Toki and his big chest muscles ways too much, especially when Toki takes off his shirts. It creeps me outs, actuallys. I mean, I know that Toki says he likes the sausage festivals, likes in Vienna, but that isn't what he meants!
Kelly Clarkson? Not metals. She doesn't knows how to stands up to dicknose record producer telling her to be all commercial. Bouncing up und down like a Jack's Wrestle Terrier, and dressed like Rachel Ray's doings a show called "Thirty Minute Weddings." (Oh, and Toki still hopes that Rachel Rays tits falls off.)
Britney Spears? Pleez. So not metals. How dids this groupie even gets on the f~♩king stage? No talents at all. Well, excepts for the two. Her childrens needs to grow up and have kids of their owns, so that Britney can becomes a G-MILF. (That's a grandmuzzer that I would likes to f~♩, if you didn't knows.)
Children of Bodom? Totally metals, until they felt sorries for Britney, and tried to turns one of her songs into metals. It didn't work.
All apostrophes in the middle of fantasy names are now to be pronounced "boing."
This is the word of my Evil Overlady -- for today, at least. No doubt I'll follow a different one tomorrow, because I'm fickle like that... but for now, go forth and spread her word!
(Please note that this is limited to fantasy names. Real-world languages that use apostrophes, or glyphs that resemble apostrophes (for instance, to mark glottal stops), are exempt. This exemption is necessary partly because some sweet, loving girl from Hawai‘i named ‘Ailana would end up having her perfectly respectable name turned into a sexual pun if the ‘okina was removed, and replacing the ‘okina with "boing" would only make it worse.)
As much as I enjoy FSTDT, I think a few of the other people who hang out there have completely missed the point. Fortunately, some of them seem to be familiar with Poe's Law... but all too many of them think she's actually serious.
Some light-hearted stuff, because we could all use it. I've found some of these myself, and stolen borrowed others from a variety of sources.
Have you ever wondered what would happen of Sir Mix-a-Lot got together with Gilbert and Sullivan? No? Well, you might still want to check this out. "Baby got back, baby got back, baby got back, baby got baaaaack!"
Well-animated ballet, and a swedish lady with a great singing voice. What's not to like? (I must say, though, that 2:20 into the video, I winced. The last time I broke a pen nib like that, I cut myself pretty bad.)
OMFGLOLzers, it's Swedish Chef! And look, he tries to sing! And as long as I'm on the subject of unintelligible singing, have some Ma nah ma nah! Just because!
I just discovered, thanks to Sensible Erection, a group of... ahem, performers... named Xiquets de Banyoles. They have over eighty music videos, all "cover songs," ranging from the hilariously craptastic to the brilliantly hilariously craptastic. I'm in pain from laughing, seriously!
If you have broadband, or a lot of patience, go check them out. These guys (and a couple of girls) are fun to watch. My current favorites are their takes on Doro Pesch and Nightwish, which are a combination of really bad lip-synching, really bad air-guitar, and really bad drag. (For some reason, they actually have female performers when they do songs by Arch Enemy and Leave's Eyes. They do it well, but a dude with a five-o-clock shadow trying to convince the camera he's Tarja is much more entertaining.)
As much fun as these people are obviously having, I'm glad I have never been that bored.
I've been leafing through Encyclopædia dramatica, and for the most part I've been laughing my ass off. It's a lot like Wikipedia, but without anything troublesome like, say, facts or technical accuracy. This makes it useless for looking anything up, but a lot of fun to read.
If anyone from weepingcock or any other badfic comm is reading this, enjoy! (Yes, there be slash here. Bad slash -- deliberately bad slash. You have been warned.)
Jubilee's Purpose (X-Men, Cyclops/Wolvie)
Jubilee sat at her computer screen, and proofread her work. As she perused her writing, she felt tingly. Her descriptions were pretty damned good, if she dared say so herself: the exquisite agony and pleasure that Cyclops felt, as Wolverine drove into his ass like a siege engine, smoldered on the screen; his hot breath, as he bit his pillow and grunted like an animal, fogged up the glass of her moniter.
Scott cried out, in pleasure and pain, as Logan slowly buried his cock in his ass. Logan held still for a moment, and then slid out, slowly, then back in. Out. In. Out. In. He sped up a little, and Scott's cries gave way to long, almost gutteral moans.
Wolvie loved this. Not just the satisfaction of assfucking the team leader -- though that was definitely part of it -- but driving Scott out of himself. So controlled, so self-possessed, normally, but here he was on the end of Logan's cock, half-mad with lust, only barely coherent enough to beg for more.
All it needed was some dialog. But what?
This was always the part Jubilee had trouble with. Describing the beauty of male flesh came easily to her, and the mechanics of sex between men were familiar to her through the internet... but lacking any sexual experience of her own, she had to struggle with some of the details. Just what the hell did people actually say during sex?
With a blinding flash, an idea came to her, and she started typing once more.
Wolverine paused for a moment, and Cyclops writhed under his weight. "Oh, God, don't you dare stop, you bastard."
Logan gave a quick twitch of his hips. "Say my name, bub."
"Logan. Fuck me. Now. Fuck me hard."
Wolverine smiled, and drove himself into Cyclops like a jackhammer.
Noblesse Oblige (Discworld, Carrot/Vetinari)
Carrot felt himself melt under the Patrician's iron gaze. Vetinari was looking, looking, into his eyes, seeing plainly the nobility he'd always tried to hide. In turn, Carrot looked into the stern eyes of the Patrician and saw something he'd never expected to see in the eyes of a politician: courage. Responsibility. The weight of all the lives in his domain, upon Vetinari's shoulders.
"No, we're not so different," Carrot said, horror and arousal mingling in his blood.
"Wasn't it I who told you where the words 'police' and 'politician' come from?" asked Vetinari, his own blood boiling with desire. "Are we not two sides of the same coin? Are we not both... powerful men?" Vetinari punctuated the word powerful by delicately caressing Carrot's bicep with one hand, and caressing Carrot elsewhere¹ with the other.
For a moment that seemed like an eternity, Carrot admired Vetinari's expert and dexterous hands, and for his part, Vetinari's hands moved over Carrot's powerful body in awe. Then, able to constrain himself no longer, Vetinari kissed Carrot forcefully and passionately, and for both of them, the world moved. And didn't bother with details like leaving a forwarding address.
"Why shouldn't we have such power over each other?"
I was tempted to make a joke about a really big pair of well-placed socks, but Carrot is innocent of such things. If Vetinari found anything of great substance in Carrot's trousers, it's all Carrot.²
I stole this meme from a fun-yet-evil battleaxe. I try to keep memes to a minimum in my LJ, as I am still trying to finish the last one, but this one seemed like fun. And I'm not one to argue with the results.
This is another thing I originally did on GAFF, but at least a few friends of mine who filk are afraid of GAFF, so I'm posting it here for their amusement. You'll notice it has shitloads of links. Do not click on any of them unless you really, really, really mean it. (Or if you really must click on the links, read the lyrics in their entirety first. That way, if your brain is scarred by the distended anus of goatse, I can rest easy, secure in the knowledge that you had it coming.) The Sounds of Silence Retching
Hello, barf-bag, my old friend. I have to use you once again. Do you remember when I was goat-se'ed? That horrid, awful site made my eyes bleed? It's a vision that's been burned into my brain! ...it still remains. With the sounds... of retching.
I need a dozen good stiff drinks, having now seen Jar Jar Binks in graphic pornos drawn by sicko jerks. I did not need to know how his tongue works. I must tell you that my stomach can't take the stress! ...it's such a mess. With the sounds... of retching.
A wondrous thing, this internet, with things I wish I could forget: Case in point: this picture called "Tub-girl." That vile image made me want to hurl. This disgusting image could be the thing that's scarred me most! ...it's really gross. It cues the sounds... of retching.
I think I have an open mind, but now I wish that I was blind. That Zeta-dildo site just made me cringe. It made me want to start a whiskey binge. Made me want... to gouge out my own eyes. And contribute... to the sounds... of retching.
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