Flaming Chords

This is my front page. All comments here are screened; if you don't have my email address, you can drop me a line here. If I know your email address, I'll reply by email -- if not, I'll reply to your comment, and then rescreen both your comment and my reply.

It's also got every tag I have -- this is because my current LJ style doesn't include a tag index. (At least half of my participation on LJ is on my Treo. I chose this style because it loads quickly and it's still readable on a small screen.)

I'd tell you more about myself, but that's what my profile -- and the rest of my journal -- are for.

...and I'm not enjoying life too much.

Granted, my concentration is back and the headaches are gone, for the most part. Still, I'm irritable, and I'm coping a little poorly with those little daily part-of-life annoyances that I can usually just laugh about. Further, old grudges that I was pretty sure I'd buried are starting to make noises in their coffins.

I swear, quitting meth was less painful than quitting the Dew!

Still, it's been six days. I'm pretty sure I'm through the worst of it, so giving up now would be even stupider than giving up on, for example, Day Two. Also, having quit before, I know how much better I'll feel once the pain is over, so I have that to look forward to, at least.

The thing is, I have a handful of excuses that I've used to start hitting it again. Short on sleep due to persistent nightmares? Take a drink. At a convention, and don't want to miss anything, even when I should be sleeping? Take a drink. A girlfriend who makes fabulous spiced coffee? Take a drink.

I see [Sayeda] fairly rarely, so I may still make exceptions for her. But beyond that, the excuses have to go.

For about a week, I've been inexplicably in a very bad mood -- I'd say I was depressed, except that I have a friend learning about depression lately, and my current funk doesn't qualify.

I have no way of dealing with the cause, since I have no idea what's making me feel like this -- as far as I can tell, nothing is making me feel like this. I'm remembering plenty of old grudges I thought I'd buried... but that's not the cause of my current mood, that's a result. The simple truth is that there is no reason I should be feeling like total shit.

I hate this. Sure, I'm not always offensively cheerful, but I'm generally stable and agreeable, moodwise. Even when I'm angry, I can usually enjoy my anger. I'm not supposed to be Eeyore. To be Eeyore is bad enough, but to be Eeyore, when I'm usually Tigger -- when I'm used to thinking of myself as Tigger -- hurts.

Since I can't fix the cause, I've been working on the symptoms. Aside from visiting close friends, I've recently purchased the first three Girl Genius books, which are wonderful. I can't wait for the fourth to come out, early next year. Well, actually, yes I can. But only because I have to, and because Foglio publishes a page at a time online. I've also been listening to classical a lot more lately; some of the really depressing stuff is oddly uplifting. (Rachmaninov and Gorecki are terrific for this. As much as I dearly love Shostakovich, I don't think I can handle him right now.)

(Comments are screened. If you feel compelled to give me a kick in the ass, trust your own instincts.)

I got transferred at work lately. I'm now at a much larger shop, in a much bigger city with college students. (I'd rather not be any more specific than that, for reasons I've already explained.)

I'm going to love it once I've adjusted. I have good -- and cheap! -- Indian and Chinese food within walking distance, not to mention a bunch of other kinds of (no doubt excellent) exotic food I haven't even tried yet. I used to have to deal with four charmless idiot customers for each intelligent (or at least trying to be) customer... now, those numbers are reversed. The city I'm working in has a... unique atmosphere that tickles the hell out of me. The new shop is considerably farther away, but much easier to get to -- if you've ever had to use public transportation, you'll understand. I could go on, but trust me -- things are looking up.

I still have a way to go, but for a first step forward after having realized I'd left too many issues unresolved for too long, this ain't bad. (I've only been asking for the transfer since November of last fucking year!)