This is my front page. All comments here are screened; if you don't have my email address, you can drop me a line here. If I know your email address, I'll reply by email -- if not, I'll reply to your comment, and then rescreen both your comment and my reply.
It's also got every tag I have -- this is because my current LJ style doesn't include a tag index. (At least half of my participation on LJ is on my Treo. I chose this style because it loads quickly and it's still readable on a small screen.)
I'd tell you more about myself, but that's what my profile -- and the rest of my journal -- are for.
...and we've already got the store's Chri$tma$ decorations up. Naturally, I've started butchering tired old Chri$tma$ songs in self-defense, starting with a certain traditional German ditty...
Oh, Goatse man, oh, goatse man, You have a stretchy anus. Oh, Goatse man, oh, goatse man, We're squicked, but can you blame us? On Christmas Eve, we'll stare, aghast, at pictures of your scary ass. Oh, Goatse man, oh, goatse man, You have a stretchy anus.
Oh, Goatse man, oh, goatse man, So gross and so defiant. Oh, Goatse man, oh, goatse man, Your ass could take a hydrant. We're quite amazed, how wide you're spread. We'd love to know, how you're not dead. Oh, Goatse man, oh, goatse man, So gross and so defiant.
(I'm sure it needs more verses, but hey, it's a start!)
This bit of filk is dedicated to the most hardcore of the hardcore anime fans -- the ones who watch it for ten hours a day and think that watching it makes them an authority on Japanese culture. The ones whose devotion to Japanese cartoons overpowers all other concerns, like nutrition or basic hygiene. The ones who... ah, you know what I mean. The original song can be found here, but if you haven't heard it before, what rock have you been hiding under, really?
Turning Wapanese
I've got some manga! You'll like it too! I've got some manga! To share with you! I watch it every day, I've nothing else to do!
I buy my manga! Right here in town! I've got more manga! Can't put it down! I wank and read it when there's no one else around!
I've got some manga! I've got some manga! There's lots of manga here on all of my shelves! I've got some manga! I've got some manga! And lots of anime dvds as well!
I'm saying nan-deo and nan-des'ka and baka-baka-baka-baka...
Chorus: Turning wapanese, I think I'm turning wapanese, I really think so! Turning wapanese, I think I'm turning wapanese, I really think so! Turning wapanese, I think I'm turning wapanese, I really think so! Turning wapanese, I think I'm turning wapanese, I really think so!
I want to see the! Vending machines there! For the pocky and used undies they sell! I've got stale pretzels! I've got stale pretzels! But when you cover them with chocolate they're swell!
I'm saying nan-deo and nan-des'ka and baka-baka-baka-baka...
Chorus: Turning wapanese, I think I'm turning wapanese, I really think so! Turning wapanese, I think I'm turning wapanese, I really think so! Turning wapanese, I think I'm turning wapanese, I really think so! Turning wapanese, I think I'm turning wapanese, I really think so!
No sex, no job, no life, no sunlight, No fun, just me in mom's cellar, no wonder I'm dull. Everyone around me sees my chibi boner. Everyone avoids me and my body odor. Everyone. That's why I'm --
Chorus: Turning wapanese, I think I'm turning wapanese, I really think so! Turning wapanese, I think I'm turning wapanese, I really think so! Turning wapanese, I think I'm turning wapanese, I really think so! Turning wapanese, I think I'm turning wapanese, I really think so!
A while back, I posted the video "Jizz In My Pants." Well, a few ladies saw it, and took it as a challenge. Well, sorta. It's a bit of viral marketing. Still, it beats NOM-NOM-NOM, right?
Over the years, you guys have seen me mangle more than a few holiday carols. You've also seen me write a black metal carol, and produce sheet music for Jingle Bells performed entirely with fart sounds.
However, you've never seen me do anything like this. Nor will you -- even I have standards. Besides, I'd be laughing too hard to be able to pull it off.
Meet Jackie Beat: singer, drag queen, and evil, evil bitch. Not only is she possibly haunting your nightmares if you watched Ookie Cookie, but she has holiday carols so tasteless that they make mine look downright respectable. Songs like "I Saw Daddy Doing Santa Claus," a charming ditty in which there's lots more than kissing, and "Santa's Baby," which starts with drunken sex and ends with an abortion. Of course, I found her hilarious, but I work in sales and thus I hate holiday music in nearly all its forms, and I get a kick out of shock value for its own sweet sake.
Now, I'm going to get all pretentious and talk out my ass a bit, so that I can claim that this whole exercise is educational later. Notice the X-shaped noteheads in the vocal lines, which we first saw when I did "Jingle Bells" entirely with fart sounds. As in "Pthbth pthb pthb," the X-shaped noteheads refer to sounds that are, strictly speaking, not musical. In this case, they're used for death metal vocals.
You'll also notice that I devote three lines to vocals. This is because there are several different kinds, though I imagine they all sound like either choking or vomiting to the untrained ear. The middle line, with the C clef, is for midrange growling. The upper line, with the G clef, is for high-pitched gutteral shrieks. The lower line, with the F clef, is for low-pitched grunts. Note that in the last two measures, all three are used at once; obviously, this will take either three vocalists, or three vocal tracks. (Cradle of Filth does this a lot.)
Making fun of a band like Anal Cunt for being idiotic isn't shooting fish in a barrel -- it's dropping an atomic bomb on a one-gallon goldfish bowl. And yet, here I am, doing it anyway. I can't help it. They try so hard to be edgy and offensive and un-PC, but every time I hear them, they make me burst into laughter. Even songs that ought to be disturbing, like "I sold your dog to a Chinese restaurant," "I Gave NAMBLA Pictures of Your Kid," and "I Got An Office Job For The Sole Purpose Of Sexually Harassing Women" completely fail to shock. Of course, if I really wanted my lyrics to offend people, I'd at least make them marginally intelligible, but that'st just me. Anyway, bring on the filk!
I Just heard the dumbest band on Earth (To the tune of "I just saw the gayest guy on Earth," by Anal Cunt. If you read the lyrics while listening to the song, the wonky formatting will make a lot more sense.)
I just heard the dumbest band on Earth!
I just heard the dumbest band on Earth!
I just heard the dumbest band on Earth!
I just heard the dumbest band on Earth! They live in Massachusetts! I just heard the dumbest band on Earth! They're really fuckin' dumb. Their music's really noisy! I just heard the dumbest band on Earth! Their favorite singer is Britney! I just heard the dumbest band on Earth! They only know two chords! I just heard the dumbest band on Earth! They're really fuckin' dumb.
I just heard the dumbest band on Earth!
I just heard the dumbest band on Earth!
I just heard the dumbest band on Earth! They're really fuckin' dumb. They use the word fuck, I just heard the dumbest band on Earth! a lot in their lyrics. I just heard the dumbest band on Earth! They think it's un-PC I just heard the dumbest band on Earth! They call themselves "Anal Cunt." I just heard the dumbest band on Earth! They're really fuckin' dumb.
I just heard the dumbest band on Earth!
I just heard the dumbest band on Earth!
I just heard the dumbest band on Earth! They're really fuckin' dumb. Their lyrics are offensive, I just heard the dumbest band on Earth! but really kind of dull. I just heard the dumbest band on Earth! And if you don't like them, I just heard the dumbest band on Earth! they'll say it's 'cause you're gay! I just heard the dumbest band on Earth! They're really fuckin' dumb.
I just heard the dumbest band on Earth!
I just heard the dumbest band on Earth!
I just heard the dumbest band on Earth!
I just heard the dumbest band on Earth! They're really fuckin' dumb.
I'm practicing for for a very demanding recital I'm planning to perform at work. It is indeed a very difficult piece, requiring both pitch and agility, and it is my sincerest hope that my meager skills can do it justice.
Notice, first of all, the careful homage to time-honored songs of Christmas past. For those of you who might have wandered in to get out of the rain, the Christmas song being paid homage is "Jingle Bells" (the chorus, in particular), but pay special attention to the X-shaped noteheads. In music, this is how one writes sounds that may not, strictly speaking, be considered musical. When a singer speaks instead of singing, or makes other noises -- indeed, if a singer is asked to fire a gun, the spoken words (or gunshots) may be written on the staff as X-shaped noteheads. This performace is done entirely with X-shaped noteheads. A daring innovation, I'm sure you'll agree.
Notice, also, the heavy reliance on a sound that linguistic anthropologists might call an unvoiced linguolabial trill, written in IPA as / r̼̊ /. (For those of you who can't see that, it's a lower case R with a circle right above it, and a small seagull-looking pair of half-circles right below it.) As / r̼̊ / is an unvoiced consonant, the performer can not rely on humming to get the pitch correct -- it must all be done by varying the pressure that the lips are applying to the tongue, a feat to challenge even the most virtuoso performers.
But, being the tireless artist -- nay, artiste, with an E at the end! -- that I am, I practice for minutes per day, that I may soon hope to get this piece just right, and stun the world with my brilliance.
It's the most! Miserable tiiiiime of the year! Must we put up with terrible horrible caroling Year after yeeeeeear! It's the most! Miserable tiiiiime! Of the yeeeeear!
* * *
God save this grumpy gentleman, at least till Christmas Day. For all these fucking Christmas songs are driving him insane. They claim to play these songs in stores to spread some Christmas joy, But it's just a cheesy marketing ploy! Marketing ploy! But it's just a cheesy marketing ploy!
And when I go to Hell, my eternal torment will be nonstop scourging by the Sherman Brothers.
Under the following cut, there's an incredibly perverted filksong making fun of a bit of "stupid careless fictional nonsensical verboseness" from Mary Poppins. I posted an early, incomplete version in someone's LJ, and ended up getting inspired enough -- if "inspired" be the right term in this instance -- to finish it, going so far as to look up the original song on YouTube to make sure I covered all the verses.
I've long suspected that people will make a musical out of anything. My latest piece of evidence: Tonya and Nancy: the Opera. Yes, as in TOnya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan.
That's it. This was the final straw. I'm going to write a musical about a televangelist, and his fall from grace. It'll start with a priest at his podium, singing about his desire to spread the love of God, to the tune of the Rolling Stones' "Paint it Black"...
Then, perhaps he starts having lustful thoughts about a high-priced call girl, a bit like Jim Bakker. I'm tempted to use the song "Special," from Avenue Q, but it might be more fun to write my own. Or maybe, more filk, this time to the Moody Blues's "Nights in White Satin"...
"Tricks in tight stockings, and garter belts too. A black lacy teddy, looks brand spanking new.
I am a preacher. I'm not here for a lay. I wish I could teach 'er, to not live this way,
...but I want her... but I want her, ooooooh, I want her!"
Then, he finally gets the call girl into bed, and he starts beating himself up over it. Cue the music for "King of Pain," by the Police:
"There's a little wet spot in my bed today. And I'm sure that it wasn't there yesterday. I feel so guilty, yet I can't stop. I am lucky she wasn't a plain-clothes cop.
I have worked so hard, to glorify God's Name. It has garnered me riches and personal fame. Now I've shouted "Oh God," but it's not the same. I am ruined and soiled, with just myself to blame."
...except on the final chorus, the last line changes, with special emphasis: "I am ruined and soild, and this whore's to blame." Note that he starts by blaming himself, but rationalizes later about how it was all that hooker's fault. Then, there's a media scandal, as there always is when a guy preaching family values gets caught with his pants down. I'm thinking Michael Jackson's "Leave me Alone."
Mom and [Step-dad] watch a lot of TV, and despite myself, I've been watching a lot of it with them.
Dancing with the Stars, for instance, is pure cheese. But it has some damned nice eye-candy. I saw a whole bunch of people with perfect-or-damn-near bodies, and one kinda heavy-set woman who was not even remotely self-conscious about it. "Yes, I jiggle a lot, and I'm gonna use that jiggle!" Very sexy. I'm surprised she made it on the show at all, since she doesn't have that perfect dancer-body that practically no one in real life can attain, but I'm still delighted she did.
(Nothing against people with perfect dancer-bodies, mind. I like perfect dancer-bodies. But there's more to sexiness than that, and it's nice to see that a TV show can make that point, even if only with a token example.)
The rest of the stuff that's on, though... pure scare tactics. I can practically hear Sigourney Weaver on an endless loop: "be afraid, be very afraid!" It's inspired me to filk a Yes song...
You can watch TV, until you're scared to leave your house. It will feed your fears... "It can happen."
Hundreds of pedophiles seem to live in every town. You watch -- It can happen to you! It can happen to me! It can happen to everyone eventually!
It's a fright -- it's a fright -- It's a constant fright. The welfare queens are breeding like rats. It's a fright -- it's a fright -- It's a constant fright. Your children could be eaten by bats. It's a paranoid fantasy. You buy it like clothes at the mall.
Look up! Look down! Look out! Look around! Look up! Look down! There's a crazy world outside, and serial killers in your town!
It can happen to you! It can happen to me! It can happen to everyone eventually! As you see on the news, it can happen to you! When it happens, you're totally totally screwed!
...there's more to the song, but I'm still working on that. I should have the rest of it done by tonight.
Wed, Dec. 26th, 2007, 10:55 am Some people will make a musical out of ANYTHING!
Exhibit A: The Perky Little Pornstar from Skokie, Illinois (NSFW). This amazingly silly song is apparently from a musical called Naked Boys Singing. Gee, what an interesting title. I wonder what it's about?
Exhibit B: Remember when Bill O'Reilly was being accused of sexual harassment? Well, someone wrote an opera about it (slightly NSFW). Of course, it makes the oft-quoted falafel reference. The song in the link has lyrics taken verbatim from the complaint against O'Reilly. The harassment itself somehow manages to be both sleazy and comically inept, something I would have thought impossible up until now.
(I have no intention of buying the opera on CD. The music isn't all that good, and the opera is likely long enough to drive the joke far, far, far into the ground. But I'm still delighted that it exists.)
White to move.
Exhibit C:Chess. Yes, you read that right. It was written by two former members of ABBA, so the music is likely to be decent, if way too damned poppy for my tastes. I'm at a loss as to how it occured to them to write about a chess tournament, though. (For these next lyrics, refer to the chorus of the song "Dancing Queen," and the picture to the right.)
"Rook is threat'ning king, threat'ning king, right in front of queen. Threat'ning king, threatened queen hides behind the king. King's in line, rook's in line, threat'ning the queen in behi-i-ind. And the king has moved, queen is doomed, and the rook takes queen."
Someday, someone is going to try to make Columbine! The Musical. No doubt they'll be aiming for something edgy, provocative, and controversial, and they'll figure that it has succès de scandale written all over it. (It'll be a trainwreck, certainly, but that won't stop them from trying it.)
Okay, I'll say it. I fucking hate Christmas music.
Well, that's not entirely true. Some Christmas music is actually pretty good -- I have a couple of Trans-Siberian Orchestra CDs, for instance. Unfortunately, 99% of all the Christmas music I hear has existed for at least as long as I've been alive. In any other genre of music, this would be considered proof that the whole damn genre is stagnant... but with Christmas music, everyone seems to put up with it. Worse, it's been performed over and over by tone-deaf children every holiday season for years and years and years. (Yes, I was a child once. No, I was not tone-deaf. My pitch is good enough that I wish fluorescent lights would make up their minds and hum either A# or B, and stop trying to hum halfway in between.)
And when the fuck did "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music become a Christmas carol?
So far, I endure by mentally rewriting the lyrics for the crap I hear on the radio. You've already seen me do this with a bad Christmas song by Wham! (link to music video), turning it into something Van Gogh might have written. I've done it in yearspast, too. No doubt I'll keep doing it, so if you really like Christmas carols, you may want to scroll past my entries for the next month or so. I will not be treating them with much respect here. Or any respect at all, for that matter.
It's not that I don't enjoy the holiday rush. I have lots of customers (and so far, none of them could ever make it to customers_suck), my hyperactivity is being given a proper workout, and overall I'm enjoying the hell out of it.
Yes, I'm raping the spirit of Christmas and the spirit of Grieg, all at once. So are the Pointer Sisters, and the spirit of Grieg will likely forgive me first.
Yes, this may get me booed. If mocking the Pointer Sisters' alleged Christmas carols is wrong, I don't want to be right.
Yes, this may get me visits from the ghost of a dead friend, and then three more ghosts. I'll consider it extra incentive to pay attention in class when the subjects of wards and shields come up.
(Imitating Jim Carrey.) "You've called down the thunder. Now prepare... for the BOOM!"
Sooooome-one on my f-list mentioned having heard a Gordon Lightfoot song for the first time in years. As I remembered "If You Could Read My Mind," it was one of those simple, yet lovely, songs, and way back when I first heard it, it bored the shit out of me. (Hey, give me a break. I was ten!)
I just found it online, and listened to it a couple of times. It continues to be simple and lovely... and it's no longer boring. If anything, it's more lovely -- it almost hurts to listen to it.
(Sorry. I've just got a bit of my wayward teenage years caught in my eye. Don't mind me.)
...but that bit of maturity soon goes away.
I'd like to dedicate this work in progress to swtalmnd and elfscribe5, who inspired it; to a kindly sprite I won't name, who made it possible by e-mailing me the original song; and to Janet Jackson, a great dancer with a wonderful sense of humor. (I hope.)
Surfin' on the internet, readin' nasty plots. Readin' 'bout two gentlemen really gets me off. ...that's right, I admit it.
(CHORUS) Slashy slashy boys, written just for me! Oh you slashy boys. Slashy slashy boys, subtext is king! Oh you slashy boys.
You say you'd rather be with girls, I know that this is true. In all the stories that I've read, men get so far with you! "He's just a friend?" Uh huh, I know... say...
(REPEAT CHORUS) Slashy slashy boys, written just for me! Oh you slashy boys...
This next butchery of a few sacred cows is brought to you by the fact that I work in retail. I expect the next few weeks to be especially lucrative, and even exciting, and I'm eagerly awaiting the moment my hyperactivity will be put to good use. Make no mistake, I'll enjoy this next month or so.
I just expect it to drive me insane.
"Rudolph, the road-kill reindeer had a very flattened head. And if you ever saw it, you would think he should be dead."
"Oh, Christmas Tree, Oh, Christmas Tree, We've cut you from your forest. Oh, Christmas Tree, Oh, Christmas Tree, But now we think you're boring. So we commit a sacrilege: putting ugly shit in your plumage. Oh, Christmas Tree, Oh, Christmas Tree, We've cut you from your forest."
"Snooooow, I really can't imagine life without it, snooooow! Snooooow, I want to chop and snort a big fat line of snooooow! What is Christmas with no blow? ...uh, snooooow!"
"I'm drrrrrreaming... of a WHIIIIITE... *SNIFFFFFF* ...Christmas!"
Okay, now that I've gotten that out of the way... why, oh why, oh fucking why, do we listen to this crap every year? It's not like it ever changes. It's not like the music is all that great. Even if people go into the studio to record yet more Christmas music, they tend to use the same songs. Why?
Willie Nelson has one of these Christmas CDs. More than one, actually. I respect the hell out of Willie Nelson, and I thought the song "You Were Always on my Mind" was a nice, bittersweet song... the first few hundred times I heard it. Really, I did. For some reasons known only to him (and perhaps the Internal Revenue Service), he decided to make a Christmas album. This would be okay, if he wrote some new music... but most of the songs are the same old tired standards. The newest song on his CD, "Pretty Paper," dates back at least as far as Roy Bloody Orbison!
On the other hand, most of the people who try their hand at writing new Christmas music are people like Mariah Carey and BackSyncDegrees, so I guess I shouldn't complain. Most of the old standards, well-performed, aren't actually annoying -- merely tiresome. (But I swear, if I hear one more shrill, tone-deaf eight-year-old brat strangle "Jingle Bells," I'm going to go postal! Give it a rest, it's not even fucking Thanksgiving yet!)
All I can say is, thank the Gods for musicians who don't give Christmas music empty lip-service. Most of the good Christmas music is by people who want to poke some mean-spirited fun at just how nuts we've become about the Holidays, or they are people who take Christmas music seriously enough to put effort into writing it. Trans-Siberian Orchestra, for instance, is on their third Christmas CD, and most of it is original music -- that which is not original is completely rearranged so that it somehow sounds fresh again. And all of it, completely original or not, is good.
Personally, I think if she's happier without the weight, that's the important part. As it is, she was hot on Cheers. I've only seen a little of "Fat Actress," and she was hot on that show, too. Having lost a lot of weight, she's still hot. One day, she'll do a shocking and controversial sitcom called "Old Actress," and I'm sure she'll still be hot.
Can't Filk, Willn't Filk...
Does anyone have an mp3 of Janet Jackson's "Nasty Boys" they'd be willing to e-mail me? Thank you to the very generous sprite who e-mailed me a Janet Jackson song. I promise not to pirate it -- all I intend to do is create a midi of the music behind her singing, and write new lyrics. (I have this idea for a filk about girls in slash-goggles...)
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customers_suck), my hyperactivity is being given a proper workout, and overall I'm enjoying the hell out of it.
annoyed