This is my front page. All comments here are screened; if you don't have my email address, you can drop me a line here. If I know your email address, I'll reply by email -- if not, I'll reply to your comment, and then rescreen both your comment and my reply.
It's also got every tag I have -- this is because my current LJ style doesn't include a tag index. (At least half of my participation on LJ is on my Treo. I chose this style because it loads quickly and it's still readable on a small screen.)
I'd tell you more about myself, but that's what my profile -- and the rest of my journal -- are for.
(Links lead to the same movies. I only include them because embed tags are giving me grief lately.)
This is a scene from the straight porno This Ain't Star Trek, in which the Starship In-her-prize (or some other, no doubt, equally cheesy and entendre-riffic name) takes delivery of a cute female alien. Of course, this porno is a spoof of the classic Star Trek series, with Kirk, so we all know what's happening next, don't we?
This is a scene from the gay porno Whorrey Potter and the Sorcerer's Balls, in which Fag-Hag(rid) takes Whorrey Potter to Diaphragm Alley to purchase school supplies. This bad dialog is deliberate, and includes puns and other wordplay so horrible that even Spider "The Pun-nisher" Robinson would likely consider it beneath his dignity.
Way back when I was a senior in High School, Madonna released a book called SEX. It was the most controversial thing evar™, it was a collector's item, it was specially made, and all the media was going batshit over it. Well, one of my classmates got his (or her -- I don't remember) hands on a copy, and I got to see it.
I was disappointed. To quote from Tom Hanks in the movie Bachelor Party, "I don't normally like my filth this clean." And I was disgusted -- disgusted, I tell you! -- by all the things that Madonna was almost-doing in that book. (In my defense, this was during one of my celibate periods in between manslut periods, so I had a bit of a stick up my ass at the time. Also, in my defense, she did include a photo that was intended to be easily mistaken for her straddling a dog, probably in a bid to piss off a few recording executives.)
But seriously, the book was terrible. It should tell you something that I remember the faux stamped-metal cover of the book more than I remember any of the contents, and this was back before I'd ever seen a pornographic website, let alone had a hand in creating one, so I was not as jaded back then as I am now.
Well, someone at weepingcock found a copy online, and it's just as awful as I remember. Well, the few pages I looked at. I felt no need to look through the whole thing.
A while back, Sam and Dean Winchester (from the TV series Supernatural) discovered that there are quite a few girls out there who would love to see them fuck. Someday, they may discover this (NSFW!!!!1111), but I'm sure it will never make it on the show. Someday, Jared Padalecki (the actor as opposed to the character) may discover this LJ, in which case he'll probably have a bunch of discussions with a lawyer, followed by a bunch of stiff drinks.
(That link is to the LJ of a photoshopper. Behind that link, you'll find lots of shopped images of Sam, with head pasted on yay, cock pasted on yay, ginormous rectal prolapse pastede on yay, and plenty more worse things. Do not click that link. You have been warned.)
(I'm using the worksafe icon for now. In a week or so, when this has fallen off your front page, I'll switch to this icon (NSFW!)... unless it turns out that one of the pornos includes Edward and James getting it on after having shared Bella as a snack, in which case this one will be my choice.)
A while back, I did some naughty things with really old Russian letters. This is the new version, and I've done a much better job overall -- not only is the story much better, but it now includes dialog (of a sort), a much better supporting cast, much better representation of other cultures, a corporate logo that cost over £14,000 to develop, and at least one lolcat.
As with Alphabet Porn v.1, this one has links to all the letters I've defiled. Thanks to this little thing in HTML called the MAP tag, these are still clickable! (If you copy the images, the links won't work unless you also copy the HTML... but you were going to ask first anyway, right?)
I'm posting these to my own LJ because I plan to visit a friend soon, and I want all of these videos to be in easy reach so that I can inflict them on him show them to him. Anyway, some funny awful things I swiped from bad_porn_2:
So you think you can do porn: a PSA-style video for all you hopeful exhibitionists. Aside from the content, it's in the style of 1950s educational videos. (Speaking for myself, I'll never think of the game Mousetrap in the same way again.)
So you think you can sing: a porn dick who sings (for want of a better verb) while he does his thing. With bonus link for the rock remix of his performance!
And just as a (lousy) bonus: this video. Because when I hear music by a band whose lyrics are a giant mess of medical terminology talking about death, gore, grime, and guts, the first thing that pops into my head is pornography. Or something. Yeah.
(Note: this short story includes characters from the Cyrillic alphabet that haven't been in common usage for centuries. If you see empty boxes, you may need to download a Unicode font.)
This is Ot. She's a lovely Russian Girl. She has both a very nice ass, and a tramp-stamp. Ѿ
This is Ot's boyfriend, Big Yus. Along with having a very nice body (check out those shoulders!), he's so well-hung he walks bow-legged. Ѫ
This is Iota, Big Yus' Greek friend. Sure, he may look kinda scrawny, but he's got it where it counts. Ι
This is Ot accidentally walking in on Big Yus being Iotified. She's always known Iota and Big Yus were close, but she didn't realize that they were this close. Ѿ Ѭ
Naturally, Ot feels a little betrayed, but Iota is also really well hung, and tries to make her feel all better. Ѥ
Then Big Yus joins in. Ooh, threesome! ѤѪ
And from out of nowhere, this is Ksi, the terrifying tentacle monster that will devour them all! Ѯ
I've been reading too much news that's been making me stabby lately, so I was very much amused to find this (NSFW!). And this (NSFW!).
Short version: Dirty pictures are a dime a dozen... unless they've been on the moon. Then, they're about $200K.
Of course, some people will wring their hands and clutch their pearls about moral turpitude on the part of the astronauts, and on Gizmodo, at least one idiot is bitching about how this reflects poorly on how taxpayer money is spent... but me, I'm just amused. Nope -- I'm not surprised in the least. Astronauts are human, and compared to just about every animal but dolphins and bonobos, humans are really preoccupied with sex. I'll wait until someone does a porn shoot in zero gravity before being surprised.
Ah, who am I kidding? I won't be surprised even then.
So there, I was, over at bad_porn_2, clicking over to something that will no doubt make me regret clicking... and I saw this ad. Well, their version was animated.
Oddly enough? No. I can safely say that I've never fantasized about that. I would never fantasize about that in a million years. If I were really fuckin' drunk, I might come up with a mental image like this, but it would be as a wisecrack -- I'd certainly never attempt to arrange it in real life.
So, no, this ad didn't turn me on. On the other hand, it made me fall off my seat laughing. But then, this is the same company that has ads with a woman fondling a man who's jumping up and down while wearing a chicken suit, with the caption "please don't choke your chicken." I still chortle when I see that ad, and it has left a positive impression on me, by making me laugh.
This is how advertising is SUPPOSED to work. Too many ads on TV seem to be designed to be as godsdamned fucking annoying as possible, often with the unspoken message of "total asshole douchebombs buy our product. So should you." But then, as one of my friends has pointed out, I'm not the target demographic anymore. And clearly, those ads do work, or they'd stop making them. But I stray from the point...
This ad is brilliantly whacked, and would be entertaining even if it were intended as bizarre performance art, rather than marketing. I'm not about to use the company's services, but I wish them all the best, and I must admit that as with Hulu, I'm paying attention to their ads just to see what they come up with next. (Their current one is a guy with boxing gloves swinging at a side of beef, with the caption "please don't beat your meat." Not as funny as chicken, but still not bad.)
You've heard of Susan Boyle, haven't you? For those of you who haven't, she's a kinda grandmotherish-looking lady who went on Britain's Got Talent, allowed the audience to roll their eyes dismissively... and then shocked the hell out of everyone by actually having pipes. Kinda heartwarming, actually.
(The first piece of news has since appeared on cf_hardcore. I'm tempted to post the second, but coming from me, that would probably count as shit-stirring.)
This ad apparently debuted during the Superbowl, but I was at work, and we were swamped, so I didn't see it until later. The New Guy at work is terrified of this ad, and says that it not only makes him less inclined to use Hulu, but it makes him want to turn his TV off. (Oddly, he says he was an advertising major in college.) Me? I howled with laughter when I saw this.
Some ads are just plain awful.
Didn't the founder of Enzyte get locked up for twenty-five years a while back? And didn't the Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals have to pay out about half a billion dollars? Why, yes! Yes, they did! And didn't I wear my special gloating face when I saw this? Why, yes! Yes, I did (NSFW icon)!
Seems I gloated too soon. Smiling Bob and that obnoxious whistling are starting to appear on television again, and they're being joined by ads for other enhancement pills. "My girlfriend said I should try them!" Dude, if my girlfriend was broadly hinting that my dick is too small to do the job, I wouldn't be so eager to say so on TV...
It's all caprine's fault. She just posted a link to a website called Blingee, which lets you upload pictures and then festoon no end of animated sparkly shit all over them. Then, when you've finally finished created something that will induce either diabetic coma or epileptic seizures, you can save your masterpiece as an animated .gif, and post it anywhere!
(Sorry. There are certainly some cool things you can do with Blingee -- this picture of sparkly anarchist Emma Goldman is a work of twisted genius. But imagine this tool in the hands of a horde of twelve-year-olds...)
In related news, I decided that I needed more Twatlight icons that were in questionable taste, so I decided to make His and Hers. (NSFW!) For those of you unfamiliar, "sparklepeen" is a reference to this review.
You should definitely not put this music on while watching this video. (Just in case you're thinking of clicking that at work, the second link is a guy dancing, wearing naught but a butt-plug... well, there's also a dildo, but it's not in the usual place. Oh, and there's a dancing chicken in the advertisement right below him, or at least there was when I first clucked. Er, clicked. "Please don't choke your (dancing) chicken.")
I stole these links from bad_porn_2. Obviously, don't click them at work.
Way to suck that dick -- "If you put up publicly available porn of yourself on the Internet, what happens next is your own damn fault." A snark blog making fun of amateur porn. Oh, if only this site were around in my design days...!
I had high hopes for this, considering it was labeled as "gymnast porn." I was hoping for an x-rated cross between Zumanity and Pilobolus... alas, no. Still, to quote from the movie Ghostbusters, "nimble little minx, isn't she?"
If you've ever wondered what porn would be created by pretentious art students on lots of acid, you might take an interest in MANY, MANY SHOES! And... no. even the worst art students I've ever met wouldn't touch this. Seriously, who comes up with this shit?
Sure, we all pretend Santa is jolly, but I assure you, he has called each and every one of these women (NSFW) a ho. He called each of them a ho three times, in fact!
These ladies and gentlemen are in the forum for the webcomic Least I Could Do. Worksafeness -- worksafety? -- varies. Sadly, you'll have to sign up at the forum to see these, but for some of you, it may be worth it. Some of you may like more diversity, though: nearly all of the women are playboy bunny types, and most of the men are fitness models.
This is the JournalFen community hot_daily. Every day, they post one piece of eye candy. They alternate between sexes daily, but it's well-tagged, so if you just want ladies or gentlemen, you can filter accordingly. Mostly safe for work, except possibly on Mondays, and Monday pictures are hidden behind cuts.
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