This is my front page. All comments here are screened; if you don't have my email address, you can drop me a line here. If I know your email address, I'll reply by email -- if not, I'll reply to your comment, and then rescreen both your comment and my reply.
It's also got every tag I have -- this is because my current LJ style doesn't include a tag index. (At least half of my participation on LJ is on my Treo. I chose this style because it loads quickly and it's still readable on a small screen.)
I'd tell you more about myself, but that's what my profile -- and the rest of my journal -- are for.
There are lots of potentially bad things about the moon. It's inhospitable to life as we know it. It could one day serve as a platform from which to attack the Earth, since anything heavy dropped on Earth from the moon would crash into it at about seven miles per second -- this comes up in Heinlein's book The Moon is a Harsh Mistress. Oh, and according to a certain online petition, the moon is gay. Gay as the day is long. Gayer than Andy Milonakis' song "The Superbowl is Gay", though admittedly nowhere near as idiotic. Gay, gay-gitty, mc-gay-gay.
We should blow it up.
(Signatures 1391-93 on this petition are mine. Obviously, I'm not being even remotely serious. And let's face it it's not all that likely that the folks from NASA are going to look at this petition and say to themselves, "well, blowing up the moon wasn't on our original agenda, but all these people clearly want it really badly, so we should do it for them.")
Y'know, if it was anyone other than njyoder saying something like this, I'd probably be prepared to believe that they might just have a point. After all, back when I was a whole lot younger, I suffered from that kind of insecurity, and what porn I saw seemed to confirm my fears. Granted, I've learned better since, but the mental association with porn remained until my web-design days, at which point it was replaced by boredom. But that's a different story. What was my point? Oh, yes. The fear of being judged on one's penis size is both widespread, and worth discussing.
Or it would be, if it wasn't njyoder bringing it up. Since it is, all I can do is broadly hint that he's telling us more about himself than he'd intended, hold up an extended pinky, point at his groin, and giggle hysterically. I'm so torn! I have an icon with Nelson Muntz pointing and saying "HA HA," and an full-frontal icon with a well-hung ginger dude (NSFW!), and I can't decide which to use! Okay, fine, Nelson wins. For now.
I'd offer to set up a pool, where you all could bet on how long it took him to make an appearance here, but I've preemptively banned him.
(Link here. And thanks to a friend for emailing me the link.)
(I have screencap, if he decides to delete that post.)
There's apparently an MMORPG based on Conan the Barbarian, and as with other forms of crack MMORPGs, you can customize the appearance of your in-game persona. Of course, this leads to no small number of guys picking female avatars and dragging the boob slider all the way to the right, so that they can... stare at their character in amazement. Or something. Especially the "or something."
Well, they seem to have accidentally disabled the boob slider lately, and a lot of players found their avatars with lots more modest bosoms overnight. Some of them reacted poorly. And when I say poorly, I mean it's funny for the rest of us. Poor, poor Dusk.
Personally, I think Funcom doesn't go far enough. First, I think they should reactivate the boob slider, and have it go all the way to H or HH, so that those mentally teenage boys like Dusk can see all the T&A they want, er, have their avatars be truer to their vision. Yeah, that's it.
Then, a matching shoe needs to be put on the other foot. I want to be able to create an avatar that looks like how Patrick Fillion or Tom of Finland might draw a barbarian -- blatant eye-candy for gay men, with equipment that would make a horse feel inadequate. (Googles a little bit, and then grins evilly.) Oh, look, one of them has! (NSFW!) Then, I want to be able to upload music to the Funcom server, so that as people walk next to my avatar, they can hear something appropriate. (Also NSFW.)
Then, I want to go up to people like Dusk in-game, and have my (emphatically male) avatar and his (emphatically female) avatar fuck like rabbits. Ideally, some self-awareness on his part would creep in just as our avatars got finished.
Actually, it would never get that far. The very idea of male eye-candy in an MMORPG would terrify these people. After all, they're not gay!!!111, and it's not like women ever play these games. (Gee, with charmers like Dusk playing, I wonder why that might be?)
For those of you who didn't know, I keep an HTML cheatsheet up on my computer. Mostly, I use it for things I use regularly, like footnotes or the altered formatting I use for dream posts, or for putting the self-cleaning-anus in tiger(self-cleaning-anus)wolf or the extra-long vowel in faaaaabio. That way, instead of typing five lines of code for tigerwolf or four lines for fpb, I can just copy and paste.
Well, I've recently decided that someone on LJ needs to be addressed in future as shit_cauldron, by as many people as possible. You can find out why here¹. Since this is about four lines of code, I've added it to my cheatsheet.
If you have a cheatsheet of your own, I encourage you to borrow my code. And spread the word far and wide!
No, I'm not calling her a douchebag, faggot, baby-raper, dyke, fudge-packer, and/or mother-fucker. You've heard of TinyURL, haven't you? Well, this is a neat little toy called IndecentURL. It exists because even pictures of cute little kitties can be made hilarious with a URL that includes things like twat, lemon-party, mother-fucker, shit, asshole, slut, splooge-balls.
But mostly, I'm using this URL redirection so that her real name does not appear anywhere in my post, either in text or in source code. Yes, she has a real name. I won't use it. "Shit Cauldron" suits her much better.
...and catching up on LJ and my blog-reading. Wow, things have been busy!
On one of the small handful of occasions I was able to visit LJ, I learned of Aliza Shvarts, that woman who was claiming to have had lots of abortions after being artificially inseminated, and to be using the remains as material for an art project... and at the time, I dismissed her as just another attention whore pretending to be an artist, not worth another glance.
Cetainly, the art world abounds with attention-whoring hacks. Marco Evaristti cooks meatballs in his own fat, and puts live goldfish in blenders, daring his audience to turn them on. Andres Serrano soaks religious objects in bodily fluids. Joel-Peter Witkin photographs decaying bodies, and when he gets a wild hair up his ass, he's been known to saw a human head in half, and arrange the halves so that they look like two men kissing. And GG Allin played with -- and ate -- his own shit onstage. As much as I am fond of shock value, sometimes "transgressive" acts are merely what one does when one has no actual talent, and Aliza Shvarts seemed to be just the latest proof of this fact.
My cat ologbu has just started an LJ community called kf_hardcore. Yyyyyyep. Kitten-free hardcore. Ostensibly, it's for adult cats to bitch about kittens. Obviously, most adult housecats are in no danger of being breeder bingoed because they've been spayed or neutered, but they can still complain about how poorly behaved kittens are, right?
In reality, it's just a place to put all things (videos, pictures, even stories) involving cute kittens. My cat requests, though, that if you do post there, you make the text of your post look like a complaint about how kittens are so much trouble, but they get away with it because they're so fucking kyuuuuuute! Bonus points if you post from the POV of an adult cat, or use an icon of an adult cat. Don't worry about looking like you genuinely hate kittens -- we all know this is a joke, and cuteness can speak volumes for itself. (Of course, some idiots will accuse you of hating kittens, but think of them as doing you a favor by identifying themselves to you as idiots.)
Later, I may create a sockpuppet called "Nermal" and troll the comm with it.
I'm obviously not truly childfree. This comic made me laugh my ass off, mostly because I know childfree people like this. We all know people like this, or have at least heard of them or seen them in action¹. Yes, fifteen percent of childfree individuals are total assholes, as with any other group. So, yes. I'm a member of a group being made fun of in a cartoon. Come on, it was funny. Most of us need to laugh a little, and get the hell over it. We're supposed to be the grown-ups, right?
Especially that one guy who's plastered the post with a couple dozen image macros -- my phone damn near crashed trying to load that damned thread. Really original, dude.
My first exposure to the concept of "freetard" was an incident in cf_hardcore, in which someone bragged about their impulses to stab chirruns in the eyez over a fucking children's book. You might have heard about this incident, it's gotten around just a bit. Granted, it's been nearly three years, and that person might just have grown up a little since...
I've been noticing that breastfeeding wank has been rearing its ugly head again, and I feel the need to add my two cents. Knowing me, I'll start off serious for a sentence or two, and take a turn for the batshit very quickly. Don't take me too seriously when if that happens -- I'm not being even remotely serious myself.
Still with me? Here goes...
For the record, I think breastfeeding is natural, and mothers should be allowed to do it anywhere that doesn't create a health or safety risk. Especially in a fast-food joint or an Applebee's. Hell, someone in that fine eating establishment (*retch!*) should be eating something healthy, and if you're eating there, you obviously have a cast-iron stomach and no gag reflex at all. Don't even try to tell me that you're disgusted by the sight of breast-feeding -- if you had any sense of disgust at all, YOU'D BE EATING REAL FOOD! If you really hate breasts that much, go suck some dick. The aforementioned lack of gag reflex will come in very handy.
Yes, yes, I know. You don't really hate breasts. You're all in favor of seeing breasts if they're nice, but women who breastfeed in public tend to have totally grotty tits. Get the hell over it. Look outside sometime on a hot day at all the men without shirts -- hell, go to a beach, if you live near one. For every bare-chested man who has a chest worth baring, you'll find at least two men who need to eat a fucking sammich (oh hi, coflower!) and at least three who need to stop eating so many fucking sammiches (hi again, coflower!) -- if you live in America, it'll be more like ten instead of just three, because so many of us eat at Toxic Hell and Booger Fling and McShithole's every day... and yet, society doesn't tell these guys to cover up. We don't apply aesthetic standards to men without shirts, when the law is concerned, so why should we apply them to women? Why should only women with stripper-tits be allowed to expose them?
Total lack of maturity on your part, there... matched only by the women you're complaining about. Seriously, it would be easier to support women breastfeeding in public if they didn't seem so hellbent on making a spectacle of themselves! Admit it, bitches -- you want to show the world your tits. It couldn't be more blatantly fucking obvious that you're all closet exhibitionists without you carrying a boombox at your precious nurse-in playing Rusty Warren's "Bounce Your Boobies," followed by that fucking idiotic Kelis song: "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard..."
It would also be easier to support all you entitle-moos if you weren't such hypocrites. Yeah, damn right I called you hypocrites. You're totally in favor of bouncing boobies as long as they're yours, but most of you would call the police the instant you saw someone with stripper-tits whipping them out! And no doubt, you'd be doing it in the interest of a family-friendly environment! "Won't someone please think of the chyyyyldrun!" The same argument that lets you show your tits forces stripper-tits to be covered up. Isn't that conveeeeenient! For people who take such pride in your sacred milk-filled boobies, this smacks of jealousy. Can't you show a little solidarity? You can sing your version of See Our Breasts, and the ladies with the stripper-tits can sing their version of See Our Breasts, and it'll be just like Breasts Hands Across America!
As it is, you're planning a nurse-in at Applebee's. Yeah. That'll show 'em. I haven't seen anything that childishly obnoxious since a fan artist got permabanned for drawing an explicit picture of Professor Snape sucking off Harry Potter, and then hundreds of pissed-off fans decided to show their displeasure by reposting the offending image. "You're not the boss of me!" Gah! Reminds me of all those stupid illiterate prosti-tots on Jerry Springer and Ricky Lake. "[Beep] you, I do what I want! Talk to the hand!"
Fuck you anti-breastfeeders, and fuck you boob-nazis. You're both as bad as each other!
See! See! Now that is how to wank! If you're going to wank at all, you should spread your legs as wide as they'll go, face your audience proudly, use slow strokes, and make sure that your audience knows you're using both hands because you have to!
Besides, wanking should be fun! If you're being serious about it, you're doing it wrong.
On page 206, Luna Lovegood masquerades as a boy. She's allergic to Polyjuice Potion, so she has to do it the traditional way: with a haircut and boy's clothing. She does it quite well, actually -- she turns out to be a very gifted spy. (Remember this. It becomes important later.)
On page 415, Harry and Ron discover vodka. This leads to discomforting confessions on page 417, a kiss on page 418... and let's just say the slashers are really going to like pages 419 and 420.
On page 478, Cedric Diggory comes back as an Inferi. (Shouldn't that be "inferus?" Ah, well.) His first victim is Chancery Stone (page 481), and then Bill Weasley (page 482). Then, Bellatrix raises Bill (also as an Inferi), and proves to us all that she's a slasher at heart. Either that, or true buttsecks love never dies.
Lupin is evil, and has been all along. He Imperio'ed Snape into killing Dumbledore in the previous book -- it says so on page 547. Some people and their grudges, huh? He Avada Kedavras Fred and George (page 551), and then Molly Crucios him to death (pages 552-557).
On page 602, Voldemort releases his most fearsome weapon yet: the angsty poet.
"From the knowing is where I begin from the details which become the vague of the dreams as they are written before me. As it was the setting is the most vivid of this being — it was a church similar to the one called Willowcreek in South Barrington, Illinois. In knowing of mind as becoming in the demise of faith within illness that is without the healing. Prior of the years becoming from the sleeping thoughts and the mind where the body rests while the mind of the unsound is the still active. In silence of the thoughts as they become..."
Arthur and Molly are saved from this horror of horrors just in the nick of time by a Twee Faewie Pwincess who happens to be a Coloratura Soprano with a five octave range. (She sings, which makes the angsty poet's head explode on page 608.)
On page 642, Fenrir Greyback bites a tiger, turning it into a weretiger. Or a werewolftiger. Or something. Anyway, this weretigerwolf goes on a rampage, but strangely enough only attacks men. In fact, when it bites Luna Lovegood, it starts foaming at the mouth, and in a desperate bid to wash the taste of female out of its mouth, it ends up overdosing fatally on mouthwash on page 666.
Oh, and Harry dies on the last page. His scar jumps off his forehead and eats him. And yes, the final word in the story is indeed "scar."
(Side note for swtalmnd: if for some reason you looked at Clark and Lex from Smallville today, and found that you didn't really think they'd go well together, don't worry. It's only temporary, and it's because I've borrowed your slash-goggles for the purposes of writing this post.)
Anyway, here goes...
Someone needs to write Rayne/Noel, from Least I Could Do. And that someone might very well be me. I may even post it in their forums, just to see if I can make people's heads a splode. "Rayne wouldn't do anything like that, he's all man!"
Come on, you don't even need slash-goggles for this one. In one storyline, Rayne goes on a date with a gay man. It's clear he's interested in Noel: he's offered to shower with him, he went with him to a couples-only resort (by accident, or so he says), and there was that kiss on New Years. And he does seem to enjoy those cavity searches from airline security just a little too much... it practically writes itself.
Hey, slash-goggles are fun! I can see why Anne Coulter loves them so, what with her calling John Edwards a faggot and claiming that Bill Clinton's philandering is a desperate exercise in denial. I just need to remember to put the goggles away when I'm discussing political figures.
...except for Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh. They're totally getting it on. BWA HA HA HA HA HA!!!
Today, I bring you two long-established groups of sexually obsessed idiots! Yes, despite the differences between the two groups -- and believe me, they are night and day -- not even in a gay bath-house will you find people who are so obsessed with cock!
It turns out that while there may be genuine cases of BIID or GID there, you'd never know it from the fiction archive. Many of the people who write fiction for EA are insecure guys who dream of castrating attractive, well-hung men out of jealousy; more of them are psychotic female supremacists who believe in punishing men. Punishing them for what, exactly, I don't know, but hey, they're men, and it's important that they be punished, isn't that good enough?
But most of the stories are revenge fantasies, really. "You're better-looking than me, and you have a bigger dick than me. I want revenge!" "You're the best-looking man I've ever seen, and your dick is likewise amazing. Unfortunately for you, I get off on destroying beautiful things!"
(I've actually written four thinly-veiled jabs stories for them, under the pen-name "Satyre." Either they failed to get the points I was making, or they were unanimously determined not to give me the satisfaction.)
Another site I found on Portal of Evil, this one on the opposite end of the obsessive dumb-ass spectrum, is these guys. This website is ostensibly a support group: having a really big penis can create all kinds of.. issues. (This is understandable, actually. Just ask a girl with big breasts how she feels about guys talking to her tits and forgetting her name all the time.) In practice, it's a bunch of teenage boys and older guys, most of whom claim to have nine inches, with a few bold liars claiming a foot or more. (And a handful of women, some of whom may actually be women.)
Those of you from Godawful Fan Fiction will remember how tired we got of any given idiot starting one pointless thread after another, right? Well, LPSG's "Young and Hung" section would drive you all into the comforting arms of hard drugs. One guy there has posted at least ten threads that all boil down to "look at my photos and tell me how great my cock is," and he's managed to spell the word "handsome" three different ways. And there are lots more like him, only marginally less idiotic.
My favorite parts are the debates on whether black men, Italian men, Hispanic men, and/or redheads tend to have an advantage over the rest of the population. (Personally, I think redheads do... or I could just be teasing when I say this.) Oh, and they have a section on "Celebrity Endowments" that makes me glad I'm never going to go into acting. Bad enough people like [Donald] are ogling my meat at work...
(I've never posted in this forum, though my sockpuppet Footsie has mentioned them on JournalFen.)
Now, here's where I start munching troll-patches like popcorn. Am I the only person who thinks that these two groups need to be made painfully aware of each other? Is there anyone else out there who thinks that these two would create fireworks together that would be really funny to watch, or is that just me?
Episode Three: Six Apart -- you know, the guys that own LJ -- offer an olive branch. (And the she-wolves at otf_wank are still amused.) Note to boob nazis: when someone says they are eager to "discuss" an issue with you, it means "discussion," not "complete surrender." As sacred as your milk-filled boobies are, let's not forget that you are still asking for an exception to be made in the rules for them -- you might have better luck in achieving your goals if you don't turn on the poor guy offering the olive branch like rabid dogs. Oh, well. At least most of you are behaving more like adults.
And oh, look, it's jameth! Yeth, it'th jameth! And his default picture is a stillbirth with Harlequin Icthyosis, but hey, at least it's not got boobies! (He and realcdaae decide to chat a bit. I'd like to meet realcdaae someday; I'm pretty sure we'd either be tearing off each others' clothes, or attacking each other with knives, inside of ten minutes.)
Episode Four: Over in feminist, a whole bunch of pro-breastfeeders on their digital soapboxes are going to protest LJ's policies by... well, stepping off their soapboxes on 6/6/06. That'll scare those people at LiveJournal! Only not, because they'll all be listening to Slayer and watching that remake of The Omen that day. It would be much scarier if all the boob_nazis went to Six Apart's HQ and staged a mass feeding in their lobby -- oh, wait, they're already working on that. Wasn't that an episode of the show Married: with Children?
The spoogebreastmilk has continued splashing over into vaguely-related communities, like blog_sociology, in which someone thoughtfully posted a link listing icons banned so far, with cali4niachef's ugly-ass pic at the top of the list. (For the record, breastfeeding does not offend me. What offends me is that the person who took that original photo is obviously color-blind and doesn't know shit about proper lighting, and that you have to struggle to read the text telling you to put a blanket over your head. There are these things called ART CLASSES! Look into them! They'll teach you things like "dramatic shadows and babies do not get along!")
Spoogebreastmilk hits metaquotes again, and the person who posts it "prays desperately that this won't attract the wank she fears it will." See, this is what former trolls like myself call a lack of pride in one's gleeful shit-stirring. If you're going to gleefully stir shit, own up to it, dammit! Personally, I like this quote in the comments: "I envy the person that has the luxury of getting up in arms about something like breastfeeding. What a cushy life you must have to natter on about that." I think it applies equally well to both sides... but then, considering how much of my free time (which is generally in short supply) I've devoted to collecting all this wank in one place, I suppose I shouldn't talk.
You ever run into one of those people who's such a total fucking jerk that he can't even make a simple declarative statement like "the sky is blue" without making you want to argue with him, even if he's actually right?
Well, LJ abounds with such people. I just recently discovered another one. Except that Encyclopedia Dramatica already has an article on him, so I guess I'm late to the weenie roast. But I still want to comment on him, having first used this comment in hortensio's LJ:
njyoder, n., from the Norwegian for "annoying fuckingasshole who thinks he's super smart but plays bitch-ass semantic games to cover up the fact that he's dumber than week-old shit."
As a few of you know, I'm a former troll. Well, more like a troll in remission. And every now and then, I'm still tempted to act on certain unwholesome impulses... like yesterday. Now, I'm not going to do any of the things I'm about to describe, but I must admit I was sorely tempted.
ChildFree Hardcore: Creating a new LJ account by the name of "ab0rtionist" and joining. Then, after having established myself as a proper child-hater, I'd start admitting to not being a terribly competent abortion provider, finishing with admitting that I botched an abortion so badly that I had to go back and do it right... nine months later. The beauty of this is that some members of CF Hardcore are so rabid about hating children that ab0rtionist would be praised as a truly dedicated health-care provider who was sincere in his desire to fix his mistakes.
The Large Penis Support Group: Joining with a handle along the lines of "Beefstick HorseHung McLargeHuge" and pretending to have an IQ of about 85. Then, after a month or so of posting lots of inane comments announcing my vital statistics in completely unrelated threads, I'd start threads like "my six-year-old doesn't take after me in that way, do you guys know any ways I can help him grow up big and strong?" (The scary thing is that Beefstick is only an exaggerated version of behavior that's aready common on LPSG.)
Oh No They Didn't: Scour a gay porn site for pictures of a guy that looks just like a popular kid's show star, eventually settling for someone whose face matches perfectly, but has been spending far too much time on a weight bench. (I looked up recent photos of Austin St John as I wrote this up. He's in good shape, but he certainly doesn't look like Ah-nold fucking Schwarzenegger.) Then, I'd post a link and claim I've found the red dude from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers in a compromised position.
You have a wonderful hot-tub. A couple of friends and I had sex in it night before last, and had a few beers. Oh, and one of the friends was female. Yes, I know. Unlike you, her boyfriend is quite capable of enjoying the cock without being a rabid misogynist. As for leaving the shower running into it, well... that's how the hot tub wanted it. It needed to take a shower. You see, unlike your magic asshole, it's not normally self-cleaning.
I apologize for the inconvenience to you. I'll endeavor to leave an unopened six-pack for you the next time my friends and I come up from California to use your splendid spa for sweaty screwing.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I just won $2000 in the lottery. I'll be using $1000 of it to eat in restaurants that have lots of immigrant employees, and then, when I find a pregnant waitress, I'll give her the other $1000 for a tip.
(Some of you will already have seen this -- I'm just posting it here because some of my f-list would probably rather not set foot in Godawful. Also, there's a part in this story in which I decide to react to asshattery with equal and opposite asshattery. The discussion was already turning into wank, and I decided that if I was going to wank in that thread at all, I was going to face my audience, make long slow strokes, and use both hands. If you'd rather not read about that, you might want to skip this entry.)
This post is devoted to some of the more amusing Soap Operas at one of my haunts (Godawful Fan Fiction). Those of you unfamiliar with it are still welcome to read, you just won't get as much of it.
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flamingchords's journal![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small}
kf_hardcore. Yyyyyyep. Kitten-free hardcore. Ostensibly, it's for adult cats to bitch about kittens. Obviously, most adult housecats are in no danger of being breeder bingoed because they've been spayed or neutered, but they can still complain about how poorly behaved kittens are, right?
mischievous![[info]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small}
otf_wank continues to point and giggle.
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